Day 31: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

       By the time 1991 rolled around Freddy Krueger had come full circle. He was no longer a terrifying figure that haunted audiences long after viewing. He was now a pop culture icon! Of course, with that mainstream appeal came a decline in the overall quality of the Nightmare films. In 1991 New Line decided to put out one more cash cow before they called it “quits”.

      Freddy’s Dead takes place in the absurd setting of Springwood, Ohio now devastated by Krueger’s murders. There is only one surviving teenager in the entire town. Freddy sends him to another town, presumably to bring him more teens. Things aren’t as they seem however as it is revealed that Freddy is actually after his own child!

      As always, the special effects are great. Nightmare on Elm Street consistently delivers top notch effects throughout the series. This entry doesn’t flex its muscle as much as some of the previous ones.     But when it does, it’s still the top notch quality we’ve come to expect.

      Freddy’s Dead is notorious for its take on video games and it’s powerglove reference. The rest of the film is filled with those kind of corny moments. Freddy is pretty much a one liner machine. The only problem is that his one liners are so Eye rollingly bad that it hurts. It’s still somewhat entertaining and probably would be less cringe inducing if the killer wasn’t such an icon. But alas this  was the evolution of Freddy Krueger.

Body Count:3

Happy Halloween!!! Thanks for reading these shit reviews. See you next year!

Day 30: The Intruder Within

     In 1979, Director Ridley Scott unleashed one of the most horrifying science fiction films of all time, Alien. The film spawned a popular franchise and influenced sci-fi horror titles to this day. Many films took its influence a little too far however. Several titles never sought to separate themselves from Alien but rather to imitate its formula and hope that it would lead to success. The Intruder Within is a made for TV film that does just that.

      As opposed to being set in outer space, The Intruder Within takes place on an oil rig stationed near the South Pole. While digging deep into the oceans surface for oil, the crew come across a strange creature that attacks them. They dispose of the creature, but a mysterious geologist hired by the “Zortron” organization acquires some of its eggs. He experiments with the eggs and of course one of them hatched and begins to murder the crew.

      The  Intruder Within does have a unique setting compared to most Alien ripoffs. But when the first creature turns up you’ll see that they didn’t even try differentiate it from the chest bursted in Alien. The final creature looks different, but where does it come from? Oh a crew members chest? I never saw that coming.

      But it’s similarities to Alien aren’t the problem with this film. It’s problem lies within the pacing. It’s a dreadful, drawn out snooze fest. There is hardly any actual creature action and when the final creature does show up the effects look awful. Not to mention that the awful creature is only around for the last 10 minute so of the movie. He’s not given enough time to cause nearly the amount of on screen carnage viewers will be wanting. They’ll instead be treated to about an hour and 10 minutes of boring dialogue from stale characters with little payoff. Stick with Alien.

Body Count:7

Day 29: Cat’s Eye

    Cat’s Eye is another anthology film written by Stephen King. It differs from most other Anthologies in that it doesn’t have a wrap around per se. It instead goes from story to story by following the central cat from area to area. The cat plays a role in every story. So each tale is connected. It’s a creative and different way of doing anthology horror.

    The first story follows James Woods as he signs up for a treatment to quit smoking. He quickly realizes he’s getting more than he bargained for when the head of the treatment center explains to him  that he will be under 24 hour surveillance. If he is to relapse, they will abduct his family and force him to watch them be tortured. This is a good story with some great suspense building up to the climax.

    The second story involves a  retired Tennis player in the midst of an affair with a wealthy criminals wife. When the criminal gets word of this he orders the capture the tennis guy and forces him to sidle along his skyscraper apartment to get to the other side. If he makes it, he will get a ton of money and his wife. If he doesn’t...well, he dies. This is probably the weakest segment of the movie. It comes off more as a crime thriller than horror.

     Finally, the third story stars a young Drew Barrymore who finds the cat and wants to keep it. Her mother is more than against it and forces the cat to stay outside at night under the belief that cats steal peoples breathe when they sleep. Unbeknownst to her, there is a tiny creature actually looking to steal her daughters breathe and it’s the cats calling to put a stop to it. This is the only story to feature any sort of supernatural horror. It plays more like a children’s fantasy story but has decent creature effects and is fun.

    Overall Cat’s Eye won’t be the best anthology horror you can watch. It’s far from the worst though. It’s way of tying the stories together is unique and none of the stories are actually bad. They are however, pretty middle of the road. Be on the lookout for some awesome nods to King’s Novels as well.

Body Count:2

Day 28:Psycho Cop 2

        Officer Joe Vickers (but not really) is back and he’s out for blood. Several office workers plan an  after hours bachelor party for their coworker. After the office shuts down they stay behind and call some strippers up to the office. It’s all fun and games until officer Vickers uses his police outfit to get inside the building. One by one he begins killing the workers and strippers all while delivering some of the worst jokes ever told on screen.

     It’s the Psycho Cop you remember and love only with more gore, my nudity, and more awful cop jokes. This is what sequels should always be and Psycho Cop does it right. There’s even some social commentary in there with a re-enactment of Rodney King, only with roles reversed. Nobody is gonna accuse the Psycho Cop series of being masterpiece cinema. Far from it actually. The direction and acting are abysmal. But that’s part of the fun and these are two very fun films. This one is even better than the first.

Body Count:9

Day 27:Premonition

    Three hippie musicians move into a remote cabin outside of San Francisco. They come across strange red flowers and even mistakenly smoke them. Each of the band members begins to suffer hallucinations of their deaths. But are they hallucinations? Or are they premonitions of what’s in their future.

      Premonition is weird. There’s no other way of looking at it. The movie ended and I asked myself what exactly I just watched and was there a point? The horror is understated and characters take center stage in this one. The characters though, are about as interesting as year old stale Cheerios. Yes, they are rock musicians but that’s about all that you’re actually going to remember about them coming away from this.

      It does have a couple things going for it though. The music is a mix of jammy rock n roll and eerie synth. Live performance scenes are fun including psychedelic color and dancing hippies. The hallucinations bring a great atmosphere of genuine dread and doom. It’s just a shame that all of this gets lost in a sea of boredom.

 

Body Count:1

Day 26: Werewolf Of Washington

     Werewolf of Washington is the story of a news reporter having an affair with the Presidents daughter. When he tries get out of the affair he requests a transfer to Budapest. He makes the excuses that he’s being banished for being too pro administration but when the president hears of this he offers him a job he can’t refuse. During an assignment in Hungary, the reporter is bit by a Werewolf. Now back in Washington, he has the whole city in fear!

      This film is a horror comedy but the humor is much more subtle than most horror comedies. Most of its contemporaries are very over the top and campy in their laughs. Werewolf is more focused on satirizing the political climate of its time. Filmed and released during the Nixon administration, the film pulls no punches going as far as shooting a close up of the Watergate building just for the hell of it.

      That said, just about everything else in this movie is pretty bad. The effects, the acting, and even the story is pretty much just The Wolfman meets The President. The political satire isn’t enough to hold interest for an hour and a half. Perhaps some of its jabs are better felt by people who were alive during the Nixon presidency. Some of the jokes, such as police immediately blaming the Black Panthers for the murders can be felt today in regards to the political climate with Black Lives Matter. But for the most part it’s dated.

     Body Count: 6

Day 25:White Zombie

       White Zombie is often credited as the first feature length Zombie film. It stars Bela Lugosi at perhaps the height of his fame after the release of Dracula.  It tells the tale of a woman who is to be married to the love of her life. A jealous plantation owner on Haiti goes to Lugosi for help in winning her love. Lugosi turns her into a mindless zombie to grant his wish.

      Despite being the zombie movie that started it all, White Zombie has very little in common with modern zombie cinema. The term Zombie was originally referring to a reanimated corpse that was resurrected as a result of voodoo. Zombies didn’t spread like an infection and they didn’t feast on the flesh of the living. These genre mainstays didn’t show up till the 60’s with George Romero’s masterpiece Night Of The Living Dead. White Zombie depicts its undead in a more traditional manner and even questions whether or not they’re undead at all or just under a trance.

     This was an independent production. So the budget was low and the acting reflects that. Most of the actors turn in poor efforts. The lone exception of course is Lugosi. He is perfectly sinister and menacing in his role. The closeups of his eyes when he gives his trademark glare are actually haunting. His character bears some similarities to his portrayal of Dracula. But that probably just explains why Lugosi performs to perfection here.

     White Zombie isn’t going to be for everyone. It’s got bad production values and a slow moving plot. But it’s hard to say it’s a bad movie. It’s actually pretty good. It’s carried by Bela Lugosi’s chilling performance. Still, casual horror fans may lose interest after the opening scenes. White Zombie is historically significant to hardcore horror fans and I recommend they check it out.

Body count:7

Day 24:Silent Night Deadly Night 4:Initiation

 
      Silent Night Deadly Night started as an above average Christmas slasher about a killer Santa Clause. The sequels followed the killer’s younger brother as he went on his own killing spree. They’re most famous for spawning the “garbage day” meme. By the time Silent Night 4 rolled around the series had ran its course and it was decided to turn the franchise into an anthology type series with unrelated stories.

     This entry into the franchise follows a female reporter investigating the apparent suicide of a young woman who jumped off a building while engulfed in flames. Her investigation brings her across a strange group of women working in the building the incident occurred at. They are suspicious and overly friendly as they invite our heroine to a picnic without even knowing her. After the event she is haunted by strange images of large bugs. As she continues her journey for the truth she finds herself entangled in a strange initiation process for the all female cult.

    Initiation seems like it was written as a different film and for some reason was forced to take on the Silent Night Deadly Night Title. Yes, it takes place around Christmas. Sure, you see a Christmas tree or two. But Christmas has nothing to do with the plot at all. There isn’t even snow on the ground. No Santa Clause, no mistletoe, no gifts, no anything. I don’t mind making a film unrelated to previous titles. But at least make the plot a Christmas themed story. Don’t just tell a horror story that just so happens to take place around Christmas.

      Being directed by Brian Yuzna (Society, Bride Of Reanimator) gave me hope when the opening credits appeared. Unfortunately, aside from some pretty cool effects typical of a Yuzna film this one is a stinker. The acting is dull, the plot is weird and poorly laid out, and the characters aren’t very likable. If you’re a hardcore Yuzna fan you might get some enjoyment out of this. Fans of the franchise and Christmas horror in general won’t be too pleased.

   Body Count:5

Day 23:Popcorn

       Popcorn follows a college film student, Maggie and her film classes attempt to raise money for the program. The professors decide to host a horror marathon at a local theatre soon to be torn down. When reviewing the films they’re showing they come across a strange shirt entitled Possesor. The film strongly resembles a recurring dream Maggie has. They learn that it was the work of a lambasted director who used it to lead up to the live murder of his family at the premiere. They decide not to use  the film. Things don’t go smoothly at the Horror marathon though, as a mysterious figure is killing all the students and stealing their faces.

       This film actually started production with Alan Ormsby (actor in Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things) at the helm. He left early on though and the directors chair was filled by Porky’s actor Mark Herrier. Porky’s was directed by Bob Clark who also directed CSPWDT and does special effects in this film. It’s interesting to see that this group of guys has worked with each other for so long.

       There are three films being shown during the horror marathon: Mosquito, The Attack Of The Amazing Electrified Man, and The Stench. These three films are actually more entertaining than Popcorn is. It’s the movies way of poking fun at it’s own genre. This would go on to be a staple of 90’s slasher films. It’s strange though that Popcorn chooses to aim its satire at 50’s B movies as opposed to the slasher genre that it truly is.

         The special effects in Popcorn are the best part of the actual movie. The scenes with the killer and different faces being either removed or put on are really well done. There isn’t too much in the actual gore department. The killer is a burn victim and the effect is well done but not as memorable as Freddy or Cropsey.

        Released in 1991, the same year as HauntedWeen, Popcorn is another slasher film released during the genre’s down years. Like HauntedWeen, Popcorn is actually not bad. While it’s not quite as strong as the aforementioned it’s still a totally acceptable entry into the genre.

Body Count:4

Day 22:HauntedWeen

      A young boy runs the door at a haunted house. He wants to be a part of the attraction but he’s told he’s too young. Not one to be denied, he sneaks in and corners a young girl while wearing a mask. After the girl falls into some sort of spike, he puts her out of her misery by with a machete. The boys mother takes him into hiding after the incident. 20 years later his mother dies and his bloodlust returns. Now a local fraternity looks to use the haunted house to raise money. The perfect setting for him to kill once again.

     HauntedWeen is pretty bare on quality acting and sensible storytelling. But if you’re willing to shut your brain off for an hour and a half then you’ll have a ton of fun with it. It relies heavily on comedy, which keeps it entertaining between kills. If there isn’t someone getting killed there’s likely to be a huge party going on complete with a great soundtrack.

      The special effects aren’t top notch by any means. Considering the budget though, they’re not bad at all. Some of the kills are actually pretty twisted and very memorable. You’re not going to feel like you’re watching the same old standard kills you get in slashers. The baseball bat scene in particular is one that will stick for some time.

     HauntedWeen was released during a time when slasher films were in a lull. Many consider 1988 to be the last great year for slashers before the release of Scream in the 90’s. That’s probably why HauntedWeen is lesser known even though it’s actually a damn good slasher. I’m sure there are other good slashers in the 90’s straight to video market. You just have to look hard enough.

Body Count:6

Day 21:The Curse

    The Curse is a feature film adaption of the H.P. Lovecraft short story The Colour Out Of Space. Said to be Lovecraft’s favorite of his short stories. It’s been adapted to film several times but perhaps it’s most faithful adaptation is The Curse. Does faithful make it any good though?

     The plot revolves around a family of farmers in a small town in Tennessee. One night a strange glowing object crashes just outside of the farm. After it’s discovery strange occurrences begin to take place. The crops grow plentiful but they are rotten or filled with worms. The water tastes funny and the animals have all grown aggressive. Worse yet, the mother has been acting strangely and growing more and more disfigured. The step father is a religious fanatic and refuses any doctors help. Can the children of the house find a way to escape from the curse of the weird glowing asteroid thing?

      Lucio Fulci is credited as producer and apparently he oversaw the gore effects. For some reason hes credited as Louis Fulci on my VHS. Fulci was a master of gore and you can see his influence. The special effects, particularly during the climax are fantastic. The practical effects are perhaps the films only saving grace.

       The Curse is a slow moving film. Perhaps that’s by design to build towards its anything but subtle finale. That might work if the acting and characters weren’t so bland. The story concept is a good one given the source material. But when adapted to a feature length movie the characters should be interesting enough to fill in the blanks. They aren’t and sadly the whole film drags as a result.

Body Count:5

Day 20: Terror on Alcatraz

   Bet you didn’t know Escape From Alcatraz had a horror film sequel, did you? Okay not really but Frank Morris is back! Years after his escape from Alcatraz, Morris returns to find the key to the safety deposit box left by his fellow escapees. Entering the island as part of a tour group, he’s recognized by a young man with a fascination for historical criminals. The young man manages to convince a small group of the tourists to return with him to investors Franks presence. A bloodthirsty Morris awaits them and he’s not about to let anybody ruin his plan.

    Who’s idea was this? Because it just doesn’t work. An old, over the hill Frank Morris as a slasher villain? Sure he’s a notorious criminal but is he the subject of anybody’s nightmares? I don’t think so.  In this film he’s just an asshole whose willing to kill to get his key and his money. He’s not even funny like the killer in Psycho Cop. He just grunts unintelligibly as he murders his victims.

      There are some serious inconsistencies in the story. After being convinced to return to Alcatraz to investigate Morris, the tourists proceed to just party. They all but forget why they originally came as they look for places to have sex and get drunk. How in the hell did they even sneak back in? There’s apparently  24 hour security at the prison. Of course the film doesn’t reveal this until well after these kids sneak back in. How useless is the security? Well they’re killed off mere minutes after being introduced. You be the judge.


    It’d be one thing if Terror on Alcatraz was just a bad movie. It is. The characters are lame, the story is ludicrous, and it’s about as terrifying as an infant kitten. It’d probably be a solid 1 1/2 Tape film just with that. But no, it has to tack on 15 more minutes after the climax just to force an incredibly stupid “twist” ending. That’s right, complete with a totally pointless dinner scene. This is the definition of time wasted. So I’m docking it another 1/2 Tape.

Body Count:6

Day 19: Psycho Cop

   One of my favorite sub genres of film is the “cop” genre. You literally take any word and put the word “cop” after it and there’s your title. Obviously there is Robocop. But have you heard of Omega Cop? Cyborg Cop? Karate Cop? Hollywood Cop? Samurai Cop? Wolf Cop? As far as horror cop movies go, Maniac Cop is probably the most known. There’s also this little known gem, Psycho Cop.

   Psycho Cop follows a group of rich college students on a summer getaway. They rent out a huge house in the countryside complete with a pool and jacuzzi. Little do they know there is an insane, satanic police officer on the loose. He’s stalking them while decorating the surrounding area with satanic imagery. When night falls he dusts off all of his best one liners and starts killing the students off one by one.

     There have been comparisons between Maniac Cop and Psycho Cop. Aside from featuring murderous police officers, I find the two differ quite a bit. For one, the Maniac Cop is undead and supernatural. While Psycho Cop, can take some gunshots and worships satan, he doesn’t appear to be supernatural. At least not in this film (There is Psycho Cop 2, so we’ll see.) Stylistically, Psycho plays more like a traditional slasher vs Maniac’s action horror hybrid. Maniac Cop is the better overall film, but Psycho Cop is still a fun watch.

     Complete with laughably terrible acting and absurd plot, Psycho Cop is a great option if you’re looking for “so bad it’s good”.There’s even a drinking game in there (take a shot every time  the cop says “looking for ...?” Trust me.) The film consistently delivers laughs and entertainment. There are a lot of jump scare attempts, but the killer simply just isn’t menacing enough to warrant actual frights. Real police are scarier than this movie, but they’re definitely not as fun.

Day 18: Splatter University

   Short on actual frights, Splatter University uses campy horror to entertain. The story is nothing new.  Escaped mental patient, college students being murdered. It’s all been done before. Though it’s not the most original concept, SU is still quite watchable. 

     While the characters won’t ever be praised for their depth or originality, they manage to maintain interest. Particularly the male horn dog college students. All they care about is sex and partying. Period. Girlfriend gets murdered? I think I’ll just go have sex. Teacher was killed? I’m gonna complain to my drug dealer that $6 is way too much for weed. One particular guy always howls like a wolf and violently crotch thrusts every time he’s attracted to a woman. It’s hilarious stuff.

       The worst thing a slasher film can be is dull. Splatter University isn’t the best slasher movie you’ll see but it’s definitely a fun one. It could use some nudity for all of its sex talk. However, with decent gore and funny kills, you could certainly do worse. This is a great movie to put on when you have people over. 

Body Count:6

Day 17: A Demon In My View

   Anthony Perkins once again plays a serial murderer tortured by his childhood memories. This time it was his abusive aunt that fueled his urge to strangle women. He lives on the top floor of an apartment building. A young man with the same last name and first initial is involved in an affair with a married woman. When he moves into the same apartment building, even transpire that may spell death for one of them.

     Perkins once again delivers in his type casted Psycho role. The man could snooze his way through this and it would still be executed to perfection. The issue here isn’t with Perkins. It’s with the content of the script. Which is practically nothing. He stares out windows, acts like an asshole, tampers with peoples mail, plays with mannequins, and occasionally strangles women. This is all fine and good but that’s basically all that happens in the film, heavy emphasis on the staring out windows part.

     The other lead actor is a complete joke. His German accent and total ineptitude makes his delivery laughable at time. He spends most of his time on the phone with his forbidden lover. The entire story of a murdering psychopath is pretty much pointless. Perkins is never discovered by the police, he’s never discovered by the new tenant, his girlfriend, or even her husband. He does after the husband mistakenly assumes he’s the one romancing his wife and then kills him. That’s it! He just so happens to be a strangler. That’s it. It takes an hour and 40 minutes for this to happen. Even if you’re an Anthony Perkins fan like myself I’m gonna have to suggest you skip this one.

Body Count:4

Day 16: The Dark Half

     In the late 70's and early 80's Stephen King wrote a series of books under a false name, Richard Bachman. A bookstore clerk noted similarities between Bachman and King's work. He eventually did enough research to deduce that it was in fact King going publishing with a different name. After contacting King they did an article about his outing. King used the experience as inspiration for his 1989 novel, The Dark Half.

    TDH follows Thad Beaumont, a writer who finds little success with his novels published under his name. He releases a series of books under the pen name George Stark. These novels are violent and sexual in nature. After being discovered by a reader attempting to blackmail him, Thad goes public that he is actually Stark.  Shortly after, people involved with the news article and his publishing company turn up murdered. Thad's fingerprints are at each crime scene. But is it really him or is George Stark more real than anyone imagined?

    The film is decent at first thanks to good acting from the cast. Of note, Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer) has a supporting role as a local cop and does well as the conflicted law enforcer. There's also some suspense involved with who's actually committing these murders. That's thrown out the window when we learn that Stark actually has physically manifested himself about halfway through the movie. What we're left with is another entire hour of film with little to no suspense whatsoever. This is when the 2 hour runtime begins to drag.

   Stephen King has certainly suffered worse adaptations of his work. The Dark Half isn't horrible by any means. It's worth noting that George Romero wrote and directed the screenplay. While his direction is decent if not a bit pedestrian by his standards. The writing fails here with the early reveal. Great special effects are present here, but they don't show up often enough. Chopped down to about an hour and a half and arranged differently, we might be looking at one of the better King adaptations. But instead this one is average. Check it out if your a hardcore King or Romero fan. 

Body Count 5:

Day 15: Frenchman's Farm

    Tracie is driving along the countryside on her way to meet up with her rock and roll wannabe law student boyfriend when she is mysteriously warped back in time 40 years. She wanders onto a farm where she witnesses a man behead someone. After she is chased off the property she finds herself back in modern time. Upon further research she learns that the wrong man was executed for the crime. Her and her boyfriend travel back to the farm to find out just what happened all those years ago.

   Frenchman's Farm starts out promising with a decent decapitation and chase sequence. Then the two lead actors are expected to carry the rest of the film to it's climax. They're quite dull. Hell, the whole story is dull. The only thing attention grabbing about the protagonists is their wardrobe. The plot trudges along at a snails pace while these two boring kids just ask around about the farm. It's really a chore to sit through.

    The story lacks any sort of consistency. One minute people are traveling through time, the next they seemingly don't even care about the experience. For all the researching and exploring done in this movie they forget to explain one major plot point. How and why did this happen? You'll never know. Sure there is a ghost running around the farm. But time travel? It happens once and then it's done. No need to explain the cause, I guess.

     The cover for Frenchman's Farm makes it out to be some generic slasher movie. It probably would have been better off if it was. It's not totally without merit though. The ghost killer is actually creepy looking and the twist ending is alright. But is any of this worth an hour and 10 minutes of yawn inducing characters asking about a murder that happened 40 years ago? Not really.

Body Count:1...maybe 2?

Day 14: Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman

   As I mentioned in my Freddy vs Jason review, those two weren’t the first horror heavyweights to lock it up on the silver screens That honor goes to two of the most recognizable faces in horror history! Frankenstein’s Monster and The Wolfman. I also mentioned that most of these films weren’t exactly what their audiences were expecting. Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman showed that the sub genre was still a work in progress.

    A pair of grave robbers break into the The Talbot family tomb. What they find is an awakened Larry Talbot who transforms into The Wolfman and kills them. He awakens in a hospital the next day and eventually learns that he’s been dead for 4 years. After escaping the hospital he tracks down the gypsy woman who’s son cursed him years ago. She explains to him that he cannot die. Unwilling to live with his curse, Talbot seeks out Dr.Frankenstein’s research into life and death to find a way to kill himself. What he finds may well just put everyone in danger.

     Lon Chaney Jr. returns to The Wolfman role and continues to shine in the role. The majority of the film focuses on his character. The Monster isn’t even introduced until about 3/4 through. Boris Karloff however does not return to the role. Bela Lugosi takes over as The Monster. He performs as best as he can and it’s fine. But Lugosi just does not look the part. Frankenstein’s Monster looks overweight and just not comparable Karloff. It’s not a performance issue as both men are incredible performers. But Karloff will always be the iconic image of the Monster. His absence definitely hurts the film.

      The biggest problem however , is the pacing and amount of actual Wolfman vs Frankenstein we get. The story plods along like a tortoise until the ending. The final 15 minutes forces character development seemingly out of nowhere! Instead of watching The Monster and Wolfman throw down as the poster art promises, most of The Monsters dealings are with Talbot and not his Wolfman form. The ending finally gives viewers what they want to see....for a whole 2 minutes before the castle comes crashing down and “The End” immediately flashes over the screen. Great.

      When the two finally do clash, what little we see is entertaining. Wolfman keeps finding things to jump off of and Frankenstein’s Monster throws furniture around like it’s a pillow. The fight is great, but it’s so short that it’s hardly worth sitting through the entire movie for. All that build up for such a small payoff is sure to leave a sour taste in anyone’s mouth. I’d recommend this only for hardcore Universal Monster fans and even they’ll probably be let down.

Body Count:2

Day 13: Freddy vs Jason

    In the 80’s something strange happened in horror films.  Audiences no longer sympathized with the protagonists of the movies. They began to cheer on the killers and take true delight in their murdeeous escapades. Originally terrifying horror films were turned into fan pleasing franchises and their murderous villains were transformed into pop culture icons. The two most recognizable and popular of these characters were Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees. These two were featured in TV Series, video games, comics, books, talk shows, and parodies. How can we please fans and make a ton of money? Let’s have these two fight to the death.

    Freddy Krueger has grown weaker over the years. He gets his strength from the fear of his victims and he’s been almost totally forgotten on Elm Street. Freddy concocts a plan manipulating  Jason Voorhees to murder teens on Elm Street. It’s only a matter of time that people begin to suspect that Freddy has returned. His plan works all up to one small detail. Jason won’t stop killing. How’s Freddy supposed to get any action? Well these two titans are gonna have to duke it out to see who’s gonna slaughter all these promiscuous teens.

     This isn’t the first time Horror heavyweights have crossed over and did battle. You’ve got Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman, Frankenstein vs Dracula, Godzilla vs King Kong, and several more. But none of the iconic 80’s monsters ever did battle aside from Alien and Predator. That was awful. There were rumors after this film was made of a Michael Myers vs Pinhead (That would have been awful) and even an ending written for this movie featuring Pinhead ( might have been kinda cool).This film was originally supposed to be made in 1987. It probably would have been a bigger deal, made more money, and been a better movie if that had happened. But several business problems prevented it from happening until the 2000’s ( you know, well passed these guys primes.)

      There’s no denying that there are a lot of problems with Freddy vs Jason. The acting is bad, there’s some awful cgi, and the story is kind of a mess. Absurd plot devices are introduced such as Jason being afraid of water. He lives right next to a lake!! They show him wading through water several times after its revealed that he’s afraid of it!! Sure he drowned when he was young. But he’s never shown a fear of water until this point or even after it. The worst part is it could have been avoided altogether. Freddy could have just turned into his mom and had the same effect. And don’t get me started on the inconsistencies with Freddy’s arc.

        None of these issues matter. After all, this is Freddy vs Jadon and that’s exactly what we get! A lot of  crossover films get caught up in their absurd plots and fail to deliver when it’s time for what everyone paid for. Freddy vs Jadon knows what the audience wants. The titular characters stab, dismember, and throw each other around like rag dolls all the way from Elm Street to Crystal Lake. The climactic brawl spans about a half hour and is totally worth the wait. I’d even say it’s probably the best movie monster crossover showdown ever.

      I remember around the time this was released a lot of viewers were disappointed. I question why. Sure it probably isn’t the strongest entry in either franchise. But it’s far from the weakest. Both Freddy and Jadon had seen better days prior to the release of this film. This was a fitting fan service for audiences who endured some of the lowest lows in each series. There’s gratuitous nudity, more stupid teens getting killed than I can count, good humor, and a great final battle. It’s entertaining. These are horror films. They aren’t generally Oscar worthy of anything. You know what you got yourself into. Kick back and have some fun. Happy Friday The 13th!!

Body count:18

Day 12: Scared Stiff

  A pop singer, her son, and her psychiatrist boyfriend move into a new house together. The problem being that the house was formerly owned by a slave plantation owner who was cursed by his slaves. The singer is plagued by strange, increasingly horrifying hallucinations of happenings in the house. Her son is being haunted by legions of pidgeons and her boyfriend is becoming more and more angry and aggressive. 

      The film as a whole is pretty uneventful until the closing 15 minutes. Sure there is a spook here and there. But the majority of the movie we're just watching these people go to work and school. Parts of all this are relevant to the plot and some aren't. Yeah, the singer woman was a patient of the psychiatrist before they started dating. Does that mean we need to see him treat a criminally violent patient that's unimportant to the actual story? Yeah, the song written by the main character is the same song written by the slave trader. Do we really have to see her shooting a music video so many times?

   I kinda wonder if the whole reason this movie was made was to promote the song the main protagonist sings. She's working on a music video for this song throughout the movie, the slave trader plays a piano version of it, and the song plays over the ending credits. This song is everywhere in this film and it's an awful song. Take it from a guy who loves 80's music when I say that it sucks.

    For as boring as the first hour of the movie is, the final moments are equally insane. The film loses all control during it's climax. It's as if the director just said "fuck it"! Nothing makes sense at all. The main characters are suddenly traveling through time, locations, teleporting, and transforming into monsters. Through all this chaos we're treated to some decent special, if not a little cartoony special effects. Check it out for the special effects but try not to put too much thought into it.

Body Count: 5

Day 11: The Terror

    Jack Nicholson stars alongside Boris Karloff as a French soldier that fell behind his squad on the Baltic Coast. He comes across a mysterious and beautiful woman and almost drowns chasing her into the ocean. He’s rescued by an old woman who denies that the girl even exists. After another encounter with the woman, he is told to go to the Baron’s Castle to learn more. Jack invites himself to stay at The Baron’s (Karloff) Castle and begins to investigate. He could never be prepared for what he learns.

      The Terror had an infamously chaotic production history. Produced and directed by Roger Corman to take advantage of old sets used for Edgar Allen Poe adaptations. Corman paid Karloff to film for 3 days. All of Karloff’s scenes were done in that span of time. The movie was so incomplete when editing began, that more scenes with Nicholson had to be shot in closeup (the sets had since been destroyed)just to explain the plot. Other complications prevented Corman from directing the rest   of the film after Karloff’s scenes. It went through 4 other directors before it was completed included Francis Ford Coppola and Jack Nicholson himself!

     So surely a movie with both Nicholson and Karloff can be saved through their incredible performances. That’s not totally the case here. Nicholson is young and his career is still in it’s infancy. His performance isn’t bad, but it isn’t memorable or great in any way. Jack’s best work was ahead of him. Karloff is at the opposite end of his career. He’s the best part of the movie. Yet, his best work is behind him and you can tell he’s not fond of the script. He probably didn’t even know the whole story. It doesn’t seem like Corman even did.

     The troubled production unsurprisingly shows in the final product. The story is a mess. The ending is an onslaught of plot twists that could leave one scratching their head. One aspect where it succeeds is atmosphere. Thanks in no small part to the leftover sets. There’s a reason why Corman wanted to reuse them. So if you’re just looking for a movie with that classic horror vibe to put on in the background, The Terror would work. It may also be worth a watch just out of interest in the intersecting of two legendary acting careers. Just don’t expect a forgotten horror classic.

Body Count: 5

Day 10: The Mad Butcher

 A butcher named Otto has just been released from the insane asylum after being placed there for attacking a woman with a slab of meat. Yes. He immediately returns to his job as a local butcher. But after a scuffle with his wife, he snaps and ends up killing her. So now he has a meat source to justify his ridiculously low prices. Meanwhile the police are investigating the death of a local house cat?

    The Mad Butcher is anything but a horrifying trip inside the mind of a demented butcher. There’s probably only one character in the whole movie aware that any people have disappeared until the last 20 minutes. The rest of the movie is just filled with this asshole butcher and music that could have appropriately been placed in a 3 Stooges episode. At 80 minutes, it has a short run time but it feels longer. Probably because it spends its run time trying to be funny and failing. All the kills are strangulations! You’d think a horror movie about a butcher would have a meat cleaver kill or two. Pass on this one.

Body Count:4

Day 9: Uninvited

   The Uninvited is the story of a group of college students,Wallstreet criminals, a cat and their yacht trip to the Cayman Islands. Sounds like an ordinary fun little cruise right? Well I suppose I forgot to mention that this seemingly ordinary feline is an escaped test subject from a secret organization that's never elaborated upon. When threatened, this cat vomits out another demonic cat (I dont know if it's actually a cat. I can't tell what the fuck this thing is.) This mutated pussy has a venomous bite that kills within minutes. Will our lovable gang make it to paradise on the islands? 

    A cat that vomits up another cat! Why? Can't the cat itself just be a killer? Hard to imagine as the film manages to choose one of the most adorable seemingly harmless cats imaginable. The special effects are an absolute mess. From toy boats, easy gore, all the way to this joke of a hand puppet killer cat. Even when the cat is meowing (which is constantly) it's just dubbed over a cat that is clearly not moving it's mouth at all. If you're hoping for some top notch special effects with your killer cat feature (what?) you're gonna have to look elsewhere.

   The acting is of course, awful. The younger actors deliver their lines with the enthusiasm of a sleepwalker. Meanwhile the older cast members ham it up and goof their way through the script. The story is what it is. Several elements go unexplained. One particular moment is the ending. Somehow or orange long haired antagonist is transformed into a black short hair cat for no feasible reason! I guess its wrong of me to expect any sort of logic in a film about a cat that vomits up a killer cat. Repeatedly.

    I'm not really sure how many killer cat movies there are out there. I'm sure there are at least a couple more. If that's what you're looking for, this film has a high body count and enough cheese to keep you and your friends laughing. It's not a good movie by any means. But you could without a doubt find one a lot less entertaining. Watch this one for laughs, not for actual frights.

Body Count:12

Day 8: Graveyard Shift

  Stephen King adaptations are a mixed bag.  Of course there are the Shinings and Carries out there. But there are also some pretty horrid ones as well. Somewhere in the middle is a purgatory of mediocre and forgettable adaptations of King's work. Graveyard Shift probably belongs somewhere there.

   A young drifter comes upon a small southern town that appears to only have a diner and a rat infested textile mill. There have been some strange happenings surrounding the mill. Workers are disappearing with seemingly no trace. The drifter asks for work and is offered a job by Warwick, the antagonistic foreman. Not long after, Warwick asks the drifter to join a cleanup crew to fix up the mill's basement. What they find below may just explain why the mill is hiring so frequently...oh! And the rat infestation.

   Brad Dourif (Child's Play) has a supporting role as a Vietnam vet exterminator. Together with Warwick they are probably the only memorable characters of the entire film. Our protagonist spends the majority of the movie flinging Diet Pepsi cans at rats with a slingshot. You read that right. Warwick is such an asshole that you're just counting the seconds to his inevitable death (Which is pretty much the same death suffered by someone else earlier. Disappointing.) Dourif plays his character very over the top. The character doesn't seem to serve much purpose other than to give Dourif a job and add to the body count, though.

   In the original King short story, there is an entire mutated race of rats that prey upon the cleanup crew. In this film adaptation there is only one. It appears to be a giant bat. I can only say that much because it has wings. The special effects used for this creature are just a mess. It's features are borderline unidentifiable. The film also refuses to show the entire creature, presumably because the final sculpt or whatever was just such a downright blob of shit with wings. There is a little bit of gore as well, but it's nothing special.

    The high points come when Warwick and The Drifter finally duke it out in the tunnels below. Their battleground is an over the top pile of human remains. These two beat each other to hell and back using human bones as weaponry. Warwick himself, plays the fight like a professional wrestler as he executed a huge dive from the top of a pile of bones. He can also be seen overselling a strike to the face with a bone that sends him flying a good 5 or so feet.

     Graveyard Shift could have been a lot worse though. I wouldn't recommend putting on for a night of spine tingling frights or anything. It's pretty much your average cheesy creature feature. If you have some friends over, surely they'll get a kick out of crazy Brad Dourif and the fight scene near the end. If you're trying to find some actually frightening Stephen King material you might want to look elsewhere.

Body Count:8

Day 7: Magic

     When you're thinking of horror films centered around dolls/dummies there is usually a supernatural element involved. Dolls, Child's Play, Puppet Master, and more recently Annabelle. All these movies involve dolls actually coming to life. But what if the doll didn't actually come to life. What if it's owner was actually channeling his own perverse and violent desires through a doll. You might end up with something much more frightening. You might end up with "Magic".

    Anthony Hopkins stars are Corky, a young magician/ventriloquist who has no charm. He bombs in his first ever live performance. Enter Fats, a puppet that Corky incorporates into his act that makes him an overnight sensation. But perhaps there's more to Fats that meets the eye. Upon receiving an offer for a TV pilot deal, Corky refuses to comply with a mandatory medical check and goes into hiding. He tracks down his high school crush, Peggy, and stays in one of her cabins. Romance begins to kindle between the two. However, it is threatened when Corky’s manager tracks him down and Peggy’s husband returns home.

    Hopkins’ performance has drawn comparisons to his future work as Hannibal Lechter. I don’t see it. While both characters are clearly psychotic, Corky is a more unhinged and paranoid type of madman. Lechter is a more composed and intelligent killer. Still, Hopkins delivers a terrific performance both as the quiet,  unassuming Corky and the obnoxious, perverse, and demented Fats. Burgess  Meredith also shows up and turns in another fantastic outing as Corky’s manager. The weakest performer is Ann-Margret as Peggy. She isn’t  unwatchably bad or anything though and she looks stunning as Hopkins love interest.

      It takes a while for the ball to get rolling and the horror gets lost in all the melodrama at times. Which really isn’t  too bad, but could have benefitted from a better build to Peggy’s introduction. But there are some really intense scenes here. Meredith challenging Hopkins not to allow Fats to speak for 5 minutes stands out as a highlight. Once it gets past the halfway point, people start dying and Corky is faced with tense situation after situation. There’s some great Hitchcockian suspense if you can get through all of the setup.

Body Count:3